Lindsey-Star (jaded_twylite) wrote,

I never claimed to be perfect...

because I know I'm not.
Not in any way.

My mind is damaged from trying to escape it.
My soul is damaged from things I think or do.
My emotions are damaged from trying to find that perfect balance between "here I am" and "you can't hurt me."
My body is covered in the battle scars of always choosing the wrong path.
My heart is damaged from giving it away to the wrong people.

I am constantly pouring my thoughts and feelings out to you.
I don't know why. It's not something I would normally do.
I feel stupid for doing it. I feel stupid for showing my vulnerabilities.
As I write, I can hear and feel you mocking me.
Yet I continue to write. I write and continue to be a jester in life's court.

I wasn't looking for you. I wasn't looking for anyone.
All I wanted was to keep up with life's responsibilities.
Your smile warmed my body, but I still resisted.
You wanted me when I pretended not to want you.
I want you when you don't want me.
Seems like I can't get ahead.
Seems like I'm getting nowhere.
All I want now is to see you here.

Just your presence lifts my spirits and brightens my day.
I'm always waiting to see you again.
I sit by the window all day and night.
Hoping the next set of headlights belong to you.
I am always thinking of you, gazing up to the pedestal I put you on.
I don't know why I admire you the way I do
When I'm constantly longing to see some sincerity from you.

The last two times I saw you were nearly perfect to me.
Everything I was wanting. Everything I needed.
My heart leapt when it was you asking for a hug instead of me.
With you gone, my heart feels empty.
With you gone, my days are just not the same.

I don't know where I'm going or where I stand.
It is driving me insane.
A unnatural natural insomnia.
No need to wake up, because I can't sleep when thinking of you.
I have no more tears to spare, they have already escaped.
My eyes stinging with every blink.

I can't expect for you to love me.
I can only wait for the day when you might.
For now I want my friend back to help me cope with my reality.
I don't want to just be a convenient plaything
Used and quickly deserted.

There's no need for excuses here.
It frustrates me to no end.
I do not own you, you are free to do what you choose.
But please don't pretend like I don't know what I do.
Don't tell me I'm crazy when something's true.

I know sometimes I act insane. Probably because I am.
It's the result of being hurt by every person I have ever trusted.
All compounded by a steep decline and some alcohol by volume.
Sometimes it has to just run its' course.

I never give up on anything I care for.
Please don't give up on me, I really am trying.
I still have a lot of adjusting to do since the train wreck.
It just takes time and a whole lot of patience.

I wish I could give you the key to my head.
So you could see it all for yourself.
For now you'll have to just trust me.
I need you to be around to protect what's left of my sanity.
I consider you to be my closest friend out of everyone out here.

I don't know what else to say.
Because I've probably said it all before.
Just don't hurt me...
It's okay to tell me what you think.
I won't take offense or judge you.
It's not my place.
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