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10/15/06 08:08 pm - I never claimed to be perfect...

because I know I'm not.
Not in any way.

My mind is damaged from trying to escape it.
My soul is damaged from things I think or do.
My emotions are damaged from trying to find that perfect balance between "here I am" and "you can't hurt me."
My body is covered in the battle scars of always choosing the wrong path.
My heart is damaged from giving it away to the wrong people.

I am constantly pouring my thoughts and feelings out to you.
I don't know why. It's not something I would normally do.
I feel stupid for doing it. I feel stupid for showing my vulnerabilities.
As I write, I can hear and feel you mocking me.
Yet I continue to write. I write and continue to be a jester in life's court.

I wasn't looking for you. I wasn't looking for anyone.
All I wanted was to keep up with life's responsibilities.
Your smile warmed my body, but I still resisted.
You wanted me when I pretended not to want you.
I want you when you don't want me.
Seems like I can't get ahead.
Seems like I'm getting nowhere.
All I want now is to see you here.

Just your presence lifts my spirits and brightens my day.
I'm always waiting to see you again.
I sit by the window all day and night.
Hoping the next set of headlights belong to you.
I am always thinking of you, gazing up to the pedestal I put you on.
I don't know why I admire you the way I do
When I'm constantly longing to see some sincerity from you.

The last two times I saw you were nearly perfect to me.
Everything I was wanting. Everything I needed.
My heart leapt when it was you asking for a hug instead of me.
With you gone, my heart feels empty.
With you gone, my days are just not the same.

I don't know where I'm going or where I stand.
It is driving me insane.
A unnatural natural insomnia.
No need to wake up, because I can't sleep when thinking of you.
I have no more tears to spare, they have already escaped.
My eyes stinging with every blink.

I can't expect for you to love me.
I can only wait for the day when you might.
For now I want my friend back to help me cope with my reality.
I don't want to just be a convenient plaything
Used and quickly deserted.

There's no need for excuses here.
It frustrates me to no end.
I do not own you, you are free to do what you choose.
But please don't pretend like I don't know what I do.
Don't tell me I'm crazy when something's true.

I know sometimes I act insane. Probably because I am.
It's the result of being hurt by every person I have ever trusted.
All compounded by a steep decline and some alcohol by volume.
Sometimes it has to just run its' course.

I never give up on anything I care for.
Please don't give up on me, I really am trying.
I still have a lot of adjusting to do since the train wreck.
It just takes time and a whole lot of patience.

I wish I could give you the key to my head.
So you could see it all for yourself.
For now you'll have to just trust me.
I need you to be around to protect what's left of my sanity.
I consider you to be my closest friend out of everyone out here.

I don't know what else to say.
Because I've probably said it all before.
Just don't hurt me...
It's okay to tell me what you think.
I won't take offense or judge you.
It's not my place.

10/1/06 08:06 pm - FYI

In case you're sitting there, dumbfounded:

I've changed all my websites to pink schemes in honor of the following:

And you should also.
Thank you, drive thru.

10/1/06 12:07 pm - My moodys.

I made this new mood theme based on some icons I found as freeware on the net. I think I might animate them and maybe put some light outer glow on them so they stand out against my black background, but other than that, I'm satisfied with them.

I'm just too cool for school.


9/27/06 07:33 am - doubleudoubleudoubleudotapatheticdotcom

I'd just like to say first that I am pretty depressed lately so maybe I'm reacting a little different to everything.

Like Tupperware, space saving, yet a pain in the ass...
It's an LJ Cut!! [Amazing I have an entry long enough to bother with this for once. Now this link is getting too long. Is there an lj-cut for an lj-cut? I don't even know how to operate a majority of the things on this site. I'm dumb, so what?]Collapse )

Let the gossip commence...backstabbing bitches.

9/23/06 04:41 pm

9/14/06 06:01 am - Why it might be bad to jump from a freeway overpass...

So maybe it's been more than a week. Fuck it. Shut up. Who cares?

Anyways, it might be bad to jump from a freeway overpass, because...well....

ah fuck it, just jump. You aren't doing anything better. Have a nice day!
So, seriously, my brother got married last Friday, still seems weird. I feel old. Yay. I got to go after not being sure I could go. (Thank you Chris and Nick.) I'm SO glad I didn't have to miss it.

Made me think about my own marriage...
Jake was my best friend for the longest time, because he was my only friend for the longest time. You just can't replace late nights of playing spades and watching The History Channel. We had many great times and insane adventures and it was a lot of fun...most of the time. I enjoyed spending time with him. We were great friends and probably should have just stayed that way instead of getting married and trying to have a family. Suburbia was just far too overwhelming for both of us and we just aren't those type of people. We tried to be "one of them" and we failed miserably. Now our children are the remnants of...the memories of...the souvenirs of a failed attempt to be something we weren't.

I very much care for Jake and always will, he's a good friend and the father of my children. I hold no regret and no grudges against him. I wasn't perfect either. I am not the "stay-at-home mommy" type. I never will be. I was too busy trying to work on college and my career to pay any attention to the family I was building. I am paying for it now. My children don't even respond when I speak most times. I wasn't there to teach them to listen to me too...only Jake was, because I left him home caring for the kids, while I made sure I was as busy as possible to avoid dealing with the kids or the house.

So, maybe I do have a regret about the whole thing. Maybe I regret not being a more "hands on" member of the family rather than being the breadwinner.

Can we say "Control Freaks Anonymous?"

Ha ha Lindsey.
Ha ha.

9/5/06 01:08 am

Me thinks me needs more friends.

I click my "Friends" view on LJ and see my brother and my sister...hrmm...

lol...I'm such a loser.

9/1/06 10:18 am - Some quiz-mo thingy...

Your Deadly Sins
Lust: 40%
Envy: 20%
Sloth: 20%
Wrath: 20%
Gluttony: 0%
Greed: 0%
Pride: 0%
Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%
You'll die while in the throws of passion - the best way to go.
How Sinful Are You?

8/30/06 05:49 pm - So...

I switched the graphics from right to left and visa versa, because I just couldn't stand there being a scroll bar at the bottom from the ads...so umm....now it looks retarded, not sure if that pisses me off more than the scroll bar...??

8/30/06 08:28 am - scilence.

I woke up this morning, unable to talk.

I lost my voice.

3 kids, no voice? I'm so fucking doomed.

Just lovely.


Someone shoot me.
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